As I write this, Donald Trump is being crowned the winner of the Indiana primary, and Ted Cruz has suspended his bid for the presidency of the United States.
See, GOP… This is why we can’t have nice things.
Hooray, the “anti-establishment” big-government crony liberal New York billionaire blowhard has successfully sold his reality-TV portrayal of a “conservative” to enough voters to become the Republican anti-Hillary candidate.
But, is simply being someone who doesn’t have the last name “Clinton” really good enough to win in November?
I mean, remember who we’re dealing with here… This is a guy that bought into the “birther” conspiracy theories about Cruz’s nationality, accused Megyn Kelly of being nasty because she was menstruating, bragged about his penis size in a national debate and obsesses on Twitter about the size of his hands.
Hell, just this morning he was all but accusing Rafael Cruz (Ted’s father) of being a co-conspirator in John F Kennedy’s assassination.
Nope… I’m not kidding. This is the kind of cartoon buffoonery to which the nation’s first orange presidential candidate subscribes.
“You know, there’s a whole thing and, you know, his father was with Lee Harvey Oswald prior to Oswald’s being — you know, shot. I mean, the whole thing is ridiculous. What is this, right prior to his being shot, and nobody brings it up. They don’t even talk about that. That was reported and nobody talks about it. But I think it’s horrible. I think it’s absolutely horrible that a man can go and do that.”
Um… what the actual fuck? Is there a Trump decoder ring I should mail-order, or something?
Does anyone else fell like Donald Trump is actually the French guy from Monty Python and the Holy Grail? How the hell do you counter that? (Maybe if we build a giant wooden badger…)
So, where is our braggadocious billionaire getting this rock-solid information?
The National Enquirer.
Yep… The same bloody rag that alerted the world to the totally-correct (and absolutely not bullshit) revelation that modern women “aren’t human.”
Although it has not been revealed, there are probably a few other things all you Cruz fanatics should know about Rafael… As it turns out, he isn’t actually from Cuba. He landed in Roswell, NM, when the government was in the early stages of organizing a fake space program to convince the world that we landed on the moon in 1969.
Also, he’s been hiding Elvis in his basement since the late 70’s.
(Someone could make a fortune developing an international sarcasm font. Get on it.)
But as crazy as this shit is, the absurd complacency by Trumpers on America’s “fair and balanced” network is simply mind boggling.
When Trump let this barely coherent conspiracy theory slip from his overly-expressive lips, the hosts on Fox didn’t even flinch.
It was like watching someone tell Rosie O’Donnell that 9/11 was an inside job, because steel doesn’t melt. (Apparently we mine the earth for I-beam shaped veins of naturally occurring grade-A steel. You didn’t know that? Seriously, read a book.)
Brian Kilmeade even nodded along, muttering “right…”
Right. Because, clearly, Rafael Cruz and Oswald were BFFs… Anyone search the grassy knoll for Rafael’s prints?
Of course, Fox’s complacency in the comic insanity that has thinly disguised itself as Trump’s campaign might explain why CNN overtook Fox for the most watched primetime cable news network.
When you have a network primarily dominated by Trump surrogate wannabes, who nod and praise the Alex-Jones inspired tripe that comes out of Trump’s ADHD-riddled brain, it gets a little hard to watch.
And, apparently CNN (of all places) has picked up on that truth-of-life.
Now, thanks in part to the “conservative” cheerleaders who have spent the last several months pandering the cult of Trumperism, this failed crony capitalist crybaby is about to become the GOP nominee. Why? Because, apparently, we live in a reality-TV addicted world of obsessively outraged voters looking for their own brand of “hope and change.”
Nominating a lifelong liberal with an uncanny penchant for spewing hilariously vapid ramblings creates a rather depressing narrative for Republicans — given that the Democrat’s intellectual pool is so shallow they’re legally obligated to post “no diving” signs.
But, I guess that’s what Republicans are good at.
And that’s why we can’t have nice things.