Two minutes of anti-gun temper tantrums

Have you seen this wonderfully thought-out anti-gun message come across your Facebook feed yet?

Apparently, the message here is that guns have changed… And therefore, so should our gun laws.

Don’t you see? Our founders never envisioned AR-15s — so, clearly, such advanced firearms should be illegal.

Of course, the irony is that this is a video.

Posted on YouTube.

On the interwebs.

Not to get too technical, but I don’t think any of our founding fathers envisioned drastic advancements in communication technology when they penned the First Amendment, by candlelight, on a piece of hand pressed parchment.

But, that’s the problem with anti-gun liberals. They think —

Well, no. Actually they don’t.

Just look at the recent temper-tantrum Dems threw in congress when our elected representatives decided not to prohibit folks on the “no-fly” list from owning guns. (By the way, our first orange Republican candidate for President, Donald “I’m very wealthy” Trump, actually agrees with these juvenile anti-gun liberals. Just FYI.)

But, yeah, that sounds like a completely sound policy solution to mass shooting! I mean, what could possibly go wrong when a government agent is capable of depriving citizens of their enumerated rights by foregoing due-process and putting their name on a secretive blacklist?

Hell, while we’re at it, let’s deprive these folks of their other rights as well. Maybe we can round them all up and throw ‘em in jail for an unspecified amount of time without a trial?

Or just drone them.

Of course, before we go around depriving any citizen of their rights (simply because a bureaucratic government has put them on a secretive blacklist) maybe we should check with some of Joseph Stalin’s former KGB agents.

After all, if we’re going to go “full Soviet,” we might as well do so with some degree of efficiency, right?

– By Anonymous Pundit

North Korea jumps on the ‘Make America Great Again’ bandwagon

In case you haven’t heard yet, Donald Trump has a new endorsement.

North Korea.

Yup… Kim Jong Un’s little commie paradise has apparently thrown its coveted support behind the man with big red “Make America Great Again” hat.

Admittedly, this probably won’t have too much of a sway with Trump’s sycophantic base supporters — but it’s still worth noting.

After all, there seems to be a preponderance of dictatorial thugs lining up behind America’s wannabe-strong-man. Vladimir Putin — the KGB relic who took things over after the fall of the Soviet experiment — has already thrown his alleged support behind Trump… So is it really a surprise that the wannabe soviet state of North Korea followed suit?

I mean, I could be totally off base here. Maybe Kim is just strangely drawn to Trump’s anti-establishment hairstyle.

Trump and Kim

Or, maybe, Kim just has a thing for wannabe third-rate authoritarians who have the power and the desire to disarm South Korea, and “negotiate” with the folks up North.

I mean, let’s be honest… Trump is far more likely to nuke Megyn Kelly’s office than Pyongyang.

But, here’s the strange thing: most Trumpsters would likely be on the verge of an apocalyptic riot if they heard that some foreign Muslim dictator had endorsed Barack Obama for office in 2012…

And yet, North Korea’s glowing endorsement of Trump is just kinda shuffled under the rug like some obscure Facebook rumor, in a typically cultish fashion of blind allegiance.

And why?

Well, because Trump promises Hope and Change to Make America Great Again, and that sends tingles up the legs of his followers.

— By Anonymous Pundit

Since when did the Right start arguing like leftist teenagers with a porn obsession?

Milo, over at Breitbart, is doing a fine job of absolutely burying Andrew Breitbart’s legacy in a pile of self-aggrandizing, arrogant, Trump-inspired shit — which he cleverly disguises as thoughtful commentary.

First, there’s the headline of his latest piece… Strap in:

Cucked By Zuck: Establishment Conservatives Rock Up For Pointless Meeting With Facebook

Now… Let me fill all you folks who have actual lives, and don’t spend your free time scrolling through 4-chan threads looking at the various fetish porn pics, in on some terminology here: The term “cuck” refers to men whose wives cheat on them with more dominant men.

Take my word for it. A google search will confirm this as a certified fetish among the sexually perverted — but such interweb searches are also likely to raise some difficult conversations if anyone else uses your computer. (Seriously honey! It was research!)

Little Milo seems to have an obsession with calling conservatives who disagree with his worldview by such names. Like a liberal social-justice warrior, he resorts to a primitive and carnal slew of insults to emasculate his ideological dissenters. And given that he’s a gay guy who has found a respectable amount of followers on the right — that’s a pretty ballsy move.

(Not that it matters, but the main “establishment” conservative Milo decided to highlight in his compost article was Glenn Beck… Yeah. Beck. The “Alex Jones Light” of the conservative movement. Say what you want about the dude, but part of the “establishment” he is not.)

Now, keep in mind: Breitbart represents the same gaggle of so-called pundits who have gotten behind Trump (not that way, Milo… calm down) with unbridled enthusiasm. And we’re supposed to agree with them — or risk having more insults and farts thrown in our general direction.

Mostly because I’m lazy, and simply don’t want to sift through his rambling article, here’s one short excerpt to give you a taste of what Milo’s rant was like:

“I wouldn’t be surprised if by the end of the day they [the well-known conservatives with whom Milo has an issue] formed a Church Of Latter-Day Cucks, promising to end it all if they don’t get 500 comments and 1,000 likes on every dim-witted Facebook screed about what a bastard Donald Trump is.”

Milo, cover up. Your petulant outrage is showing.

Trump is a bastard, and I don’t have to be a “cuck” to know that. Someone should let Milo know that his favorite bride — the lifelong liberal populist named Donald Trump — will soon be cheating on Breitbart sycophants with the likes of Pelosi, Kim Jung Un and Vlad Putin.

Wear your cuckold lapel pin, join the ranks of the leftist social justice warriors who confuse insults with argument, and enjoy your self-proclaimed appointment as conservative arbiter, Milo. Maybe you can play the part of Eva Braun when the Alt-Right movement finally brings about its own end.

— By Anonymous Pundit

This is why the GOP shouldn’t have nice things…

As I write this, Donald Trump is being crowned the winner of the Indiana primary, and Ted Cruz has suspended his bid for the presidency of the United States.

See, GOP… This is why we can’t have nice things.

Hooray, the “anti-establishment” big-government crony liberal New York billionaire blowhard has successfully sold his reality-TV portrayal of a “conservative” to enough voters to become the Republican anti-Hillary candidate.

But, is simply being someone who doesn’t have the last name “Clinton” really good enough to win in November?

I mean, remember who we’re dealing with here… This is a guy that bought into the “birther” conspiracy theories about Cruz’s nationality, accused Megyn Kelly of being nasty because she was menstruating, bragged about his penis size in a national debate and obsesses on Twitter about the size of his hands.

Hell, just this morning he was all but accusing Rafael Cruz (Ted’s father) of being a co-conspirator in John F Kennedy’s assassination.

Nope… I’m not kidding. This is the kind of cartoon buffoonery to which the nation’s first orange presidential candidate subscribes.

“You know, there’s a whole thing and, you know, his father was with Lee Harvey Oswald prior to Oswald’s being — you know, shot. I mean, the whole thing is ridiculous. What is this, right prior to his being shot, and nobody brings it up. They don’t even talk about that. That was reported and nobody talks about it. But I think it’s horrible. I think it’s absolutely horrible that a man can go and do that.”

Um… what the actual fuck? Is there a Trump decoder ring I should mail-order, or something?

Does anyone else fell like Donald Trump is actually the French guy from Monty Python and the Holy Grail? How the hell do you counter that? (Maybe if we build a giant wooden badger…)

So, where is our braggadocious billionaire getting this rock-solid information?

The National Enquirer.

Yep… The same bloody rag that alerted the world to the totally-correct (and absolutely not bullshit) revelation that modern women “aren’t human.

Although it has not been revealed, there are probably a few other things all you Cruz fanatics should know about Rafael… As it turns out, he isn’t actually from Cuba. He landed in Roswell, NM, when the government was in the early stages of organizing a fake space program to convince the world that we landed on the moon in 1969.

Also, he’s been hiding Elvis in his basement since the late 70’s.

(Someone could make a fortune developing an international sarcasm font. Get on it.)

But as crazy as this shit is, the absurd complacency by Trumpers on America’s “fair and balanced” network is simply mind boggling.

When Trump let this barely coherent conspiracy theory slip from his overly-expressive lips, the hosts on Fox didn’t even flinch.

It was like watching someone tell Rosie O’Donnell that 9/11 was an inside job, because steel doesn’t melt. (Apparently we mine the earth for I-beam shaped veins of naturally occurring grade-A steel. You didn’t know that? Seriously, read a book.)

Brian Kilmeade even nodded along, muttering “right…”

Right. Because, clearly, Rafael Cruz and Oswald were BFFs… Anyone search the grassy knoll for Rafael’s prints?

Of course, Fox’s complacency in the comic insanity that has thinly disguised itself as Trump’s campaign might explain why CNN overtook Fox for the most watched primetime cable news network.

When you have a network primarily dominated by Trump surrogate wannabes, who nod and praise the Alex-Jones inspired tripe that comes out of Trump’s ADHD-riddled brain, it gets a little hard to watch.

And, apparently CNN (of all places) has picked up on that truth-of-life.

Now, thanks in part to the “conservative” cheerleaders who have spent the last several months pandering the cult of Trumperism, this failed crony capitalist crybaby is about to become the GOP nominee. Why? Because, apparently, we live in a reality-TV addicted world of obsessively outraged voters looking for their own brand of “hope and change.”

Nominating a lifelong liberal with an uncanny penchant for spewing hilariously vapid ramblings creates a rather depressing narrative for Republicans — given that the Democrat’s intellectual pool is so shallow they’re legally obligated to post “no diving” signs.

But, I guess that’s what Republicans are good at.

And that’s why we can’t have nice things.

— By Anonymous Pundit

Two minutes of (Hollywood inspired) hate

Update: Will Ferrell has since surrendered to common decency, and backed out of this tasteless project… That being said, I’m not sure my opinion of him, or Hollywood, has really changed. At all. 

Ronald Reagan is the man who, as President of the United States, accelerated the decay and eventual downfall of the Evil Empire, brought prosperity, freedom and independence to a host of nations around the world, and got America out of the worst economic downturn since the Great Depression.

Will Ferrell is a class-A jackass who makes millions of dollars behaving like a spoiled immature 13-year-old who was raised by a gaggle of feral frat boys.

And Hollywood is a cesspool of predominantly talentless hacks who, due to a biological (and sometimes Botox-fueled) predisposition toward natural beauty, feel entitled to lecture the rest of America on social issues while whoring themselves out for fame and fortune.

So… How do you think a Hollywood film, featuring Will Ferrell as The Gipper will end up?


Only, it actually gets worse than you think.

According to Variety (no… I don’t read Variety) there’s a new soon-to-be made film, called Reagan, in which Ferrell will “comically” portray an Alzheimer-riddled Reagan during his second term of the Presidency. (Never mind that Reagan was perfectly healthy while in office.) Penned by Mike Rosolio, the story portrays Reagan suffering from dementia — convinced that he is an actor playing the president in a movie.

And there’s a new Ghostbusters — so clearly Hollywood is well overdue for some sort of intellectual purge.

Yeah… A movie featuring the comically-void star from Talladega Nights, rewriting and brazenly laughing at an American patriot’s struggle with one of the worst mental diseases known to modern science.

Fucking hilarious, I know. (I would actually rather get Alzheimer’s, than see this trash.)

Feel free to take a moment and punch a pillow if you like, because words are only capable of articulating a certain amount of disgust, and I’m afraid my well is not deep enough to draw the adequate vocabulary for such a task…

Are you back? Okay, good.

As disgusting as this trip has been into liberal debauchery, it’s also worth pointing out the rank hypocrisy:

These folks are, after all, the same self-aggrandizing, morally-presumptuous, elitist assholes who lecture the rest of the world on how to improve society.

I mean, these soulless creeps are the same mental midgets who tell the rest of America that it’s okay to let grown men wander into whatever locker-room they like, so long as they self-identify as a little girl…

They’re the same ones who are outraged over attempts to cut back on women killing their unborn babies…

According to these self-anointed arbiters of societal decency, it’s even inappropriate to poke fun at sexual identity, promiscuity or pretty much anything else that (once upon a time) used to be considered fair game for comic relief…

Hell, thanks to this politically “correct” compassion police, we even have “safe spaces” on campus, so precious little hipster snowflakes don’t get their feeling hurt when someone in the vicinity harbors an alternative outlook on life.

And yet, they consider it perfectly acceptable to create satire from a late patriot’s debilitating struggle with a grotesque and tragic mental illnesses?

If it wasn’t so disgusting, the mental gymnastics would almost be impressive.

So what will the sequel to this Alzheimer-themed comedy be? A satire skit of Jackie Onassis clutching the back half of John Kennedy’s skull in the rear of their limousine?

The truth is, for all their posturing, lecturing and snobbish indignation, the American left is nothing more than hideously immature class bullies who relish in the destruction and pain of anyone not like them.

I may have two minutes of hate for Will Ferrell and the Hollywood trash who concocted this offensive escapade into bad taste — but they have a lifetime of hate for anyone who doesn’t fit their narrow-minded view of amoral “progressivism”

— By Anonymous Pundit

Two minutes of (environmentally conscious) hate

I just realized that Friday was Earth Day (and, coincidentally, Vladimir Lenin’s birthday). So, with that in mind, share this with the next enviro-commie you run across:

Combined, fossil fuels and capitalism have done more to improve the human condition than any other force in history. (That “pop” you just heard was the sound of some liberal’s mind being blown.) It’s true…

While UCLA liberal hipsters who are $226,000 in debt because of their pursuit in the fledging industry of speech pathology, sip their 100 percent organic low-impact caramel lattes while discussing the plight of the endangered desert snail, “BIG OIL” is — ya know — creating jobs.

Oh yeah, and big oil is also producing wealth.

And eliminating poverty.

And driving innovation.

And those evil shark-like motherfuckers who work for these “greedy corporatist pigs” are also providing Silicon Valley with the petroleum products necessary to build the smartphone that our indebted college enviro-hipsters are using to text their gender-neutral Bernie-Sanders-loving “significant other”.

The funny thing is, while these budding Stalinists cry about the need for big-government to save the environment (despite the fact that all reasonable metrics conclude human activity has a cosmically microscopic impact on natural weather fluctuations and overall environmental conditions) private capital and private businesses are producing a level of wealth, spread over a percentage of the population, never before matched in human history.

The ancient world is a bleak blur of human suffering, disease, serfdom, slavery and poverty. And we’re not talking about the neo-socialist propagandist meaning of “poverty” (ya know, the unemployed single mother who receives an electronically deposited welfare check while her child plays the latest PS4 game in some taxpayer-sponsored air conditioned public housing). History, much like the non-capitalist modern world, was full of real poverty. We’re talking Sara-McLachlan-infomercial style poverty.

It wasn’t until the 19th and 20th centuries — a time when private capital and the concept of individual income mobility actually began to dominate the western world — was there significant leaps in the betterment of the human condition.

And this revolution in societal prosperity was fueled by… organic compounds that are easily and cheaply refined into highly combustible agents. (COUGH*petroleum*COUGH)

Think about that… An energy source that we locate underground, drill thousands of feet to reach, extract after eons of chemical change, refine into hundreds of different fuel grades, transport to any corner of the world, store safely for years at a time, and deliver to customers for a few bucks per gallon. That’s cheaper than many brands of milk!

And yet the left’s compulsive obsession over “fixing global warming” consists of pricing such affordable energy off the market, and applying a watered down Bolshevik redistribution scheme on the most prosperous corners of mankind.

Hell, the chief of the UN council on climate change even said as much.

Right, comrade… Because communists have such a stunning track record of environmental stewardship, right? From Chernobyl to the dried Aral Sea of Kazakhstan, the old Soviet empire is literally overrun with examples of the “greater good” treating the world like a communal garbage can.

Now, don’t get me wrong… I like the earth. I’m not suggesting that we start clubbing baby seals or anything. (I would generally only advocate inflicting that kind of violence on communists*.) But “Earth Day” is really nothing more than a day when non-contributing-zeros can dim their lights, and self-righteously applaud themselves for tweeting a picture of a polar bear clinging to an iceberg.

Which, by the way, here’s a fun fact: Polar bears can swim up to 200 miles, and icebergs only travel around one-half mile per hour. If that bear is actually stranded more than 200 miles from land on a 0.5 mile per hour iceberg (a 17 day trip), that’s not “global warming” — that’s Darwinism.

So, in recognition of Earth Day, let me offer this advice for ensuring a prosperous and healthy future planet:

Save the world… club a communist. *

— By Anonymous Pundit

*This is not an actual call for violence — because, god knows, those commies are such a pleasant and tranquil bunch of tyrannically violent oppressors and genocidal madmen. Clubbing communists, as it turns out, is likely just as illegal as clubbing baby seals. (And it could, debatably, be just as morally wrong under certain atypical circumstances.)

Two minutes of (Coulter inspired) hate

Every bully needs their own rabble of sycophantic Pravda pundits around them if they plan on having any impact… Obama, for example, had MSNBC and the liberal media.

Ann Coulter has apparently joined a different rabble.

Actually, she has finally gone full-fledged, Pelosi-style, bat-shit crazy on us. (Not that she was ever completely sane to begin with.)

The title of Ann’s front page column on her website today:

Ted Cruz: Tracy Flick with a Dick

Yeah… Go ahead and google “Tracy Flick.” I don’t have time for this nonsense. (As a side note, I have to ask: what the hell is it with Trumpers’ obsession over the male genitalia? It’s starting to kinda gross me out.)

The title of the piece aside, Ann’s devolution into a Manson-Family-style devotee of Trump is clearly eroding away whatever small slice of grey matter she once used for semi-rational thought.

Here are some highlights:

“Before we begin, can we stop referring to Wisconsin as ‘Midwestern nice’? That’s all we’ve heard since Ted Cruz beat Donald Trump there: Wisconsinites are just so nice, they couldn’t abide Trump’s rough style.

“Does anyone remember the whole taking over the capitol thing? How they nearly recalled a sitting governor a few years ago? Remember the protesters fighting with cops, rounds of arrests in the rotunda, the drum circles and chanting? How about the midnight raids on citizens for supporting the ‘Wisconsin Budget Repair Bill’?”

Ann, sweetheart, those were liberals being assholes.

What are you saying? That jackass union thugs who stormed the capital represent all of Wisconsin? (Wait… are you saying something nasty about “Wisconsin Values”?)

“Wisconsin is a lot of things, but ‘nice’ is not one of them. ‘Soviet’ is more like it.”

What the actual fuck?

Soviet? Right… Because a Republican governor implementing right to work laws, cutting spending and fixing the budget is totally like Joseph Stalin shipping Jews and capitalist-pigs off to the gulag.

I mean, did Ann just have a mini stroke? Ann, honey, if you’re feeling disoriented or you randomly smell burnt toast, please contact your local emergency room.

“It was always a bad state for Trump because there are virtually no immigrants in Wisconsin, and peevish Wisconsinites refused to believe the rest of the country about the cultural mores we’re bringing in.”

Brilliant, Holmes. Just fucking brilliant.

So the problem here is Wisconsinites are sniveling weaklings, who spend way too much time in their insulated all-white Midwestern Pleasantville?

How does she know this? Oh, because Wisconsin doesn’t have any Mexicans.

(Incidentally, I’m willing to bet that Ann gets all pissy when people suggest a good portion of Trump’s support is motivated by white nationalist pride… but that’s a different two minute rant.)

Ann continued — but honestly I have no fucking clue what she said because I don’t really care. It turns out, I have better things to do with my life, and none of those things annoy me as much as reading the propagandist vomit Coulter smeared all over her website.

Sadly, Coulter represents absolutely everything that is disappointing and demoralizing about the portion of the so-called “conservative” punditry that has thrown its weight behind Trump.

At what point, exactly, did Coulter exchange her conservative values for the lead cheerleading position in the “MAKEAMERICAGREATAGAIN” Trump parade?

Remember, this is the same intellectual weakling that said she would vote for Trump, “Even if he performed abortions in the White House.” Why? Oh, right, because roughly 45 seconds ago he decided he was going to talk tough on immigration.

BUT HE’LL BUILD A WALL! Probably. I mean, according to at least some of his most recent statements, there’s a good chance he’ll likely try to maybe build a wall. And make Mexico pay for it, because that sounds exactly like the sort of thing that couldn’t possibly be demagoguery or campaign rhetoric. Right?

And so, like a teenage groupie daydreaming about earning an invite to the next backstage orgy, Ann viciously attacks any critique of Trump — stopping just short of stealing the Vatican’s “infallibility” argument as a logical defense for her new found “conservative” hero.

Welcome to the rabble, Ann.

Unless I’m being too harsh… Maybe she just gets a thrill up her leg when she hears him bloviate.

— Anonymous Pundit

Two minutes of (actual) hate

Today’s topic for “two minutes” is…


I know. Two minutes doesn’t seem nearly long enough. But, since I have an actual job (which supports this parasitic leech known as “government”), that’s all I can afford to spend on this topic today.

I did my accounts last weekend. It was a blurry several hours of flipping through various tax forms, inventing discovering deductions, and generally despising the amount of hard earned money the IRS has decided I don’t get to keep anymore.

Which kind of focuses my unadulterated hatred for the IRS. (Oh… Hello NSA! Don’t feel left out, I’ll rant about you at a later date.)

Do you realize what an income tax really is? You’re paying the government for the privilege of being employed. Or, put another way, the government decides how much of your own money you are allowed to keep.

Hooray for freedom, right?

Of course, this is a big part of the reason that conservatives have a penchant for lowering taxes, and simplifying the tax code…

Which kinda makes you wonder why that braggadocious vulgarian, Donald Trump, claims to be a conservative.

By his own liberal admission, he wants to “tax the hell” out of those “rich hedge fund guys.” He wants to slap tariffs (basically taxes) on companies that make things overseas.

Hell, he threw a hissy fit earlier this week because Ford Motor Company (ya know: the one automaker that really, really, really didn’t want to take any bailout money) is building a new manufacturing plant in Mexico. (Apparently Mexico is only useful for making suits and ties for hypocritical politico-wannabes named “Trump.”)

By the way — not to get off on a tangent — isn’t that the stupidest fucking idea on the face of the planet? Here’s how dumb it really is: Even Obama (the moron who said Obamacare would boost the economy, lower healthcare costs and insure the uninsurable) pointed out that new tariffs generally raise the price of consumer goods.(Now I feel like I need to take a shower. Ugh.)

You like your big screen television? Well… Prepare to pay more for your next one if President Trumper has his way. Because, clearly, making Americans pay more for TVs, cell phones and Ford F-150s is exactly the formula for “making America great again,” right?

I digress…

Aside from the authoritarianism of our current income tax structure, I was struck by how much it cost to seek professional help filing my taxes. (I actually need professional help for a lot of things… but this month, taxes were at the top of the list. I don’t think my alcoholism or pent-up rage are going to land me in prison quite yet.)

And that’s when it dawned on me that we, as a nation, have been forced to create a billion dollar industry focused on facilitating the IRS in confiscating private wealth so the redistributive Rube-Goldberg machinery of big-government can continue operating.

The entire tax accounting industry, really, shouldn’t even exist.

Don’t get me wrong… There are some fine accountants, who are also terribly pleasant human beings.  I’m not suggesting that we drown them all in a river as if we were Joseph Stalin with a sack full of kittens. (Whoa… that got real dark, real fast.)

I’m just saying that the mountain of resources put into tax compliance would be better appropriated in the real-world economy if it was used to actually produce something positive for society.

Like Ford F-150s made in Mexico, for example.

Instead, we have built an entire industry to assist government coffers in institutionalizing government-sponsored theft.

Sadly this level of DC-inspired extortion and destruction is tolerated far too well by a generation of Americans so obsessed with posting another goddamn cat video on Facebook, they really can’t afford themselves the energy to work up a libertarian-inspired “Rage Against the Machine” level of hate. (Yes… I used the name of a notoriously pro-communist band. It’s called “irony”.)

I mean, imagine how our founding fathers would have reacted to today’s 75,000 pages of tax code. (And keep in mind that those guys decided to use British soldiers as target practice when the Crown tried to levy a new tax on Earl Grey tea.)

Maybe next year we should list our congressmen and senators as dependents on our 1040 forms… And while we’re at it, let’s build a wall to keep out all those Trump suits and ties.

— Anonymous Pundit

Two minutes of (court appointed) hate

I’m still waiting for that mercury-poisoned hatter to jump up and tell everyone to “switch places.”

The braggadocious vulgarian, Donald Trump, told Good Morning America precisely what he’s looking for in a Supreme Court nominee:

“Well, I’d probably appoint people that would look very seriously at [Hillary’s] email disaster because it’s a criminal activity,” he said. “I would appoint people that would look very seriously at that to start off with.”

Okay… Another way he could have worded this is “My name is Donald J Trump, and I have no fucking clue how government actually operates.”

I know the rest of us already learned this in fourth grade civics (or Sesame Street), but does the current GOP frontrunner not actually understand that courts don’t actually investigate people for wrongdoing?

Why doesn’t he just explain that we’re going to build a wall around the Supreme Court, and make the Mexicans pay for it?

Oh… Maybe at the same time we can get China to send back our jobs — of course, we’ll have to put a tariff on them, because jobs are made so much cheaper over there.

Maybe we can even get Putin to export some of his respect for us, so we can have Cuba say nice things about Trump on Facebook while we “close down ISIS on the internet” — because Trump knows how to make deals.

Or something.

Look, I know that outside of the fanatical cult of Trumperism, his comments about the Supreme Court are too ridiculous of an utterance to really merit a rebuttal, but apparently I have two minutes to waste, so let’s have at it:

The Supreme Court, contrary to the barely coherent verbal vomit spewed from Trump’s overly expressive lips, does not actually conduct investigations of any sort. Nominating someone who will pursue Hillary’s wrongdoing with the determination of a bull dog would be almost as useful as appointing an actualbulldog to the bench.

Maybe Gruff the Crime Dog is already being vetted.

Hey Trump (ya know, the Donald Trump who wants to be CEO of the United States Government), have you never before picked up on the fact that justices arejurists, not investigators.

Hell… We don’t even need Merriam-Webster for this little exercise: Do you have a TV? Have you ever seen Law and Order? Yeah, judges are the guys in black robes that judge cases. They’re not the guys with cheap off-the-rack suits and tin badges tracking down the fucking evidence.

Don’t get me wrong… I despise Hillary more than I despise mayonnaise — and that’s a level of hate that puts me in serious danger of overdosing on toxic emotions — but arguing that the next Supreme Court Justice needs to “look into Hillary’s emails” is like suggesting Gustave Eiffel be elected as Speaker of the House, because he has a good understanding of architecture.

And this is the guy who’s the frontrunner for the Grand Old Party?

Seriously, we’ve traveled to a place far more alien than Lewis Carroll’s world of talking caterpillars and tyrannical/ homicidal playing cards. Rather than keeping an eye out for the Mad Hatter, we should be looking around for a guy in a dark grey suit, smoking a Lucky Strike, asking us to “Imagine if you will…”

Two minutes of classless hate

Donald J Trump, the guy that defended his hand and penis size during a live presidential debate (seriously), is trying to lecture Ted Cruz on manners.

Yeah, I know. It’s like OJ Simpson teaching a class on marital conflict resolution. But, it gets worse! (I am seriously concerned that phrase will be used often in the next few years.)

Let’s start at the beginning.

No… Thereis toomuch. Let me sum up:

A super-PAC supporting Ted Cruz ran an ad that, in part, focused on Melania Trump’s promiscuous modeling history. (Trump’s most recent trophy wife, Melania, posed nude in a number of provocative poses. Presumably this was done for money, but let’s face it: attention isn’t an incredibly unbelievable motive for an attractive woman that hooks up with the most braggadocious blowhard in Manhattan.)

Now, for those of you completely unfamiliar with the way campaign finance laws work (don’t doze off, this is important), Super-PACs are funded by private donors, and must be completely independent of any official campaigns. What this means in practical terms, is that candidates are forbidden by law from any communication whatsoever with the PAC.

Let me put this a different way: Ted Cruz, and his campaign, did NOT condone that ad focused on Trump’s allegedly slutty wife. Ted did not approve it, organize it, or even know it existed until it first ran on television.

Even more than that, the Cruz campaign is legally prohibited from telling the super-PAC to “knock it off.”

Of course Trump knows this. But why let little things like “facts” get in the way of an opportunity to unleash a barrage of playground-quality insults at the one guy who still presents a legitimate obstacle to Trump’s presidential aspirations imperial rein.

Or, in this case, on Ted’s wife instead:


Are you fucking kidding me? Keepin’ it classy, right Trump? (Hey, at least he didn’t argue that she’s bitchy and on her period. Maybe this is some sort of nominal improvement from the tasteless attacks he continues to launch on that “bimbo” Megyn Kelly.)

This behavior doesn’t just fail to meet the standards of “presidential”… it literally fails to meet the standards of “adult behavior.”

Trump’s juvenile tweeted temper tantrums is quickly turning tiresome. But not to the collective hordes of bewildered masses who are blindly in awe of his “refusal to be PC!”

You can be non-PC without being a dick. It’s called being a grown up.

Oh, and Donald does have freakishly small hands.